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A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this
field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers
in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue
you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how
we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like
this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone
gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up
to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his
knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
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A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally
settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the
exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in
front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked
why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied
that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't
have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He
replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were
overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's
yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My
Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?"
asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But
why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed
from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none
of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it
one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he
could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look
at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that
dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your
Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury
box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs
of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why
didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I
fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it
or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the
bench, and walked out.
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and
asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I
am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the
flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he
asked, "how did you start the flood?"
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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car,
and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a
sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the
driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he
screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic
tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came
by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS
JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a
lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what
does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA!
Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is
your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left
arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at
his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my
lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died
last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and
says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last
week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and
say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the
receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you
that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The
guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
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Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young
lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments
"Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a
second and said "Out of what"?
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're
in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of
hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the
wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One
day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and
there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with
next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or
I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right.
And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice
when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a
bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The
next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the
bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer.
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice
while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't
see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the
turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him
and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your
respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three
possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who
died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a
middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died
flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do
you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a
successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient,
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had
never received a donation from the town's most successful
lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but
was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless
with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and
they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they
have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks
at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a
ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The
doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then
looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that
ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he
answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally
turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name
them!".
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In heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend his next
holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left
a girl pregnant and those people haven't stopped talking about
it since!
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly
reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in
front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out,
alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their
way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his
action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do
that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they
continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his
action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you,
anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry
but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out
of my mouth."
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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the
devil.
As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a
man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity,
and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'
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