Woods is taking on
new sponsorships that fit into his image.....
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of
the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics
are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly
disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack
Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We
can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and,
of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness,"
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very
tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack
and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag
Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a
ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out
of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and
scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them
play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he
could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able
to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only three feet tall."
a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot
to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on
the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of
control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck
couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what
are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb."