George Carlin – Best One Liners
George Carlin was an American comedian, actor, and writer who rose to fame in the 1970s.
He was known for his edgy humor, sociopolitical discourse, and his “seven words you can never say on television”. Carlin had a unique style of comedy characterized by sharp wit, rapid-fire delivery, and subversive commentary on politics and culture.
His body of work spanned comedy albums, television programs, movies, stand-up comedy specials, and best-selling books. He was nominated for 13 Emmy Awards throughout his career, including one win for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special in 2001.
George Carlin will always be remembered as one of the funniest people of all time with his no-holds-barred approach to comedy that still resonates today.
George Carlin’s Best Jokes and One Liners
A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
There are some bad ideas so bad only a politician could have come up with them.
I don’t have pet peeves; I have an entire kennel of irritation
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations; warriors would carry their belongings for days or weeks, and when they camped they just grabbed a spot and put up their tent
I used to work in a fire-hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
Electricity is really just organized lightning
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
Never argue with an idiot—they drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little
If God had really intended men to fly He’d make it easier to get to the airport
Death—the last sleep? No, it’s the final awakening
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation – as you grow older, it starts avoiding you
Life isn’t about finding yourself – life is about creating yourself
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second biggest seller is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook
When somebody tells me ‘It’s all in your head’, I always reply ‘That’s where I should’ve kept it’
Men are from the earth; women are from the earth — deal with it
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
Environmentalists don’t understand why we can’t all just get along with nature — as if Nature were one big woodsy group hug!
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think
The planet is fine. The people are fucked
Categories are for birds, not for humans
Most of existence is unremitting drudgery. That’s life’s greatest truth and, surprisingly, its greatest joke
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
Behind every good man there is one heck of an understanding woman
If you try to fail and succeed – which one did you do?
I like when people talk in films – it helps me know when it’s over
If evolution really works why do mothers only have two hands?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls
It’s not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
When I get down on my knees it’s not to pray … there better be someone underneath me
We have more lawyers than we need but not nearly enough good ones
Beauty isn’t skin deep; it goes clear down to the bone.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers
In America anyone can become president – that’s the problem
Laughter is like changing a baby’s diapers – it doesn’t solve anything but it sure improves the situation.
You can come with me if you don’t mind going nowhere slowly
Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do
If you’re too open minded your brains will fall out.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization