Andrew Dice Clay – Best One Liners

Photo by Thomas Hawk CC BY-NC 2.0

Andrew Dice Clay is a comic unlike any other. He’s a wildcard from the get go, and you never know what you’re going to get.

This unpredictability is part of his charm, and it’s why he has such dedicated fans. After all, it takes a lot of nerve to tell jokes other comics don’t even have the guts to consider!

His no-holds barred style and over-the-top delivery have made him an icon in the comedy world, and he’ll continue to live up to his self-proclaimed title of “The Undisputed Heavyweight King of Comedy.”

Andrew Dice Clay – Best Jokes and One Liners

I’m the Diceman, and I’m here to make you laugh.

I’m not a role model, I’m a comedian – and that means I can say whatever I want.

I’m not a people pleaser, I’m a comedian – and that means I tell it like it is.

I’m not a conformist, I’m a comedian – and that means I break the rules.

I’m not a follower, I’m a comedian – and that means I pave my own way.

I’m not a traditionalist, I’m a comedian – and that means I embrace change.

I’m not a conformist, I’m a comedian – and that means I break the rules.

I’m not a diplomat, I’m a comedian – and that means I speak my mind.

I’m not a conservative, I’m a comedian – and that means I’m not afraid to be controversial.

I’m not a feminist, I’m a comedian – and that means I’m not afraid to make jokes about women.

Hey, I’m a man…I can be wrong, but I’m never wrong about the ladies.

My daughter’s so smart, she figured out how to make her allowance last forever – she spends nothing!

My mother-in-law said to me, ‘Andy, you’re not working hard enough at marriage’. I said ‘You’re right ma’am, guess I’ll have to divorce you’.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

When my wife saw my tattoos she said ‘Wow! Where did you get those done?’ I replied ‘At the grocery store—you get three for the price of two!

People ask me why I drink so much…it’s because that’s where all the pretty waitresses are.

If a woman ever says she wants something romantic and passionate…run for your life!

For me getting married was like going into a supermarket and buying everything in sight.

When it comes to fashion, even blind men wouldn’t buy what my wife wears!

My house got robbed and they took everything except my wife’s cooking – they couldn’t carry that much!

When women turn on the waterworks, what they’re really saying is ‘Time for a shopping spree!’

Falling in love is like falling off a building – it only hurts once you hit the ground.

Women don’t lie about their age; men lie about their IQs!

I know when to take out the garbage; it’s when the neighbors start bringing theirs back!

If it wasn’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all!

Where there’s smoke there’s fire; where there’s women there’s drama!

Men are like birds; if you throw them in the air they usually come down at the same place!

One thing worse than talking dirty is talking clean to a dirty mind!

It takes five votes nowadays just to tell time…one vote for each finger on your hand!

If you want something done right don’t do it yourself; make your wife do it!

Never forget that half of any job is just showing up…the other half is leaving early enough so nobody sees ya goin’!

Everything comes down to money: If you ain’t got it…just ask for it!

I won’t settle down until I find the woman who can make me laugh…every time

Girls were put on this earth for one reason: To let men know that breasts are softer than cement

A man needs two women: One good one he can talk to and one bad one he can hold onto

The only way an honest man will ever get rich is if he marries a rich widow

What do women want? They want diamonds, furs…and respect—respect from other women that they got something nobody else could afford!

You know why my marriage didn’t work out? My wife’s expectations were too high—she wanted a supermodel husband with an unlimited bank account

Life isn’t fair…unless you have money

When a man says he loves his car more than his woman, at least he doesn’t argue with his engine

Why do some women think they need a man around? A sturdy broomstick will do just fine!

Men are liars—but we make up for it by making lots of money

My mother taught me how to play pool: ‘Always leave your mark on the table’.

Money talks—especially when your mouth is closed

The best thing about growing old? You get smarter without having to go through school.

Why do people always try and change each other? Don’t mess with perfection!

Love isn’t blind—it’s just colourblind

Here’s my advice: Don’t listen too closely when someone tells you what kind of person you should be

Marriage isn’t meant as an ending; it’s meant as a beginning

A man should never say no when his lady asks him out on date night

Loneliness makes us all see things differently—so don’t trust your eyes until daylight arrives!

Life isn’t about finding yourself; it’s about creating yourself

No matter what happens today, tomorrow will be better if you wake up with love in your heart

Women don’t care how much money or power men have—they care how much emotion men show them

Love has no limits; neither should our expectations of each other

Trust yourself and follow your heart—and success will follow!

You can never escape from yourself; so be sure to always stay true!

Money may buy material things but true happiness comes from within our hearts

Life doesn’t always give us what we want—but it does give us opportunities!

Life is measured by moments shared rather than material possessions obtained.