Henny Youngman – Best One Liners
Henny Youngman was an American comedian and violinist, nicknamed the “King of the One-Liners.” Starting his career as a violinist at nightclubs in New York City, Youngman eventually moved on to the comedy circuit and gained fame for his hilarious jokes and one-liners.
He was one of the most beloved comedians during the 1950s and 60s, often appearing in TV specials and on talk shows. His signature phrase “Take my wife…please” remains one of his most famous jokes.
He was also known for making jokes about airplane flights and medical conditions. Youngman passed away in 1998, but his legacy lives on as an icon of comedy in the United States.
Henny Youngman’s Best Jokes and One Liners
Take my wife, please!
Time flies like an arrow;fruit flies like a banana.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
A surgeon told me I needed a tonsillectomy. I said ‘I hope you do better than your last one!
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I don’t know why they call it rush hour when nothing moves.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.
I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Last night I played a blank tape at full volume; the mime next door went nuts!
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer!
Two cannibals were eating a clown for lunch – one turns to the other and says ‘Does this taste funny to you?
My neighbour sings better than an angel; we cannot get him to shut up!
When my mother-in-law starts giving me advice…I take two aspirin and keep quiet!
People are always good looking when they know they are being watched!
Why is it nothing ever gets done right once but has to be done twice?
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old guys running around with teenage girls? It will be called ‘the crisis.
The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented chips was brilliant!
Drive carefully…it’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker!
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her!
You know what they say – life is a bowl of cherries…not necessarily in that order!
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand!
Why should I forget my wedding anniversary? It’s so hard for me to remember dates that aren’t divisible by four!
My grandfather worked his way up from nothing – he started at his doorstep and worked his way back home again!
If at first you don’t succeed…so much for sky diving!
Money isn’t everything – there’s MasterCard and Visa too!
My husband said he wanted something different for our anniversary so this year I gave him half an hour alone with the housekeeper
He said he didn’t believe in heaven – then he died
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get away from the moron soccer players
If at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you
One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas … floor
What do people mean when they say ‘the computer went down?’ They fell asleep at their desk again
If at first you don’t succeed destroy all evidence that shows recovery is possible
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas
What did one elevator say to another elevator? Is this going up or what?
What did one wall say to another wall? Hold still while i pass through this time
Why did 2 oceans meet each other ? – because neither one could stay away
What did one psychologist say to another psychologist ? You must have seen some interesting minds
Why do scientists prefer bad news ? – because good news travels fast
What did 1 hat say 2 the other hat ? – You stay here ,i’ll go on ahead
How many psychiatrists does it take 2 change a light bulb ? One , but it takes a few sessions !
Why didn’t anyone show up 2 his surprise birthday party? – because it was an unannounced event
What did 1 skeleton say 2 another skeleton? Don`t make any bones about it
How does NASA organize its company parties? They planet!