Sam Kinison – Best One Liners

Photo by The World Famous Comedy Store CC BY-SA 2.0 – Sam Kinison in the middle

Sam Kinison was a legendary American stand-up comedian and actor. He was known for his intense and in-your-face style of comedy, which often included shouting and screaming. His act tackled topics such as religion, suicide, sex, drugs, and abortion.

His material was often controversial and he brought a unique delivery to the stage that attracted fans of all ages.

Despite his success as a comedian, Kinison also struggled with substance abuse issues throughout his life. He died in 1992 at the age of 38 in a tragic car accident that shocked the comedy world.

Sam Kinison was a fearless performer who pushed the boundaries of comedy and left behind an impressive legacy that can still be seen today.

Sam Kinison’s Best Jokes and One Liners

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.

I tell people I’m a Christian, but it’s like… just to get out of jury duty.

If there is a God why did he make me an atheist?

A man with no arms asked me if I could help him pick up his drugs off the floor.

The Bible… not just a good book, but a superior judge of character.

Why did God make men and women so different? He wanted his very own stand-up comedy act!

When I die, I want to come back as me… and then everyone else will be jealous!

Life isn’t fair and it never was, that’s why they call it life instead of wonderful surprise.

Declare war on drugs? We got rid of alcohol, how come nobody asks how that worked out?

I’m gonna yell like hell when I die — because for the first time in my life, no one is going to tell me to be quiet.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I’m so far behind I shall never die!

If you’re in your twenties and still single, chances are you don’t have much going for yourself.

This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco… this is God telling us he wants us all dead by sunrise!

Every day above ground is a good one!

The Ten Commandments: proof that if you want things done right you have to do it yourself!

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends!

To err is human…. To forgive… well that’s just weak

When someone tells me no sex before marriage I just laugh… why would anyone listen to someone who’s been married three times?

You can pick your friends; but you can’t pick your family – or learn any lessons from them!

The key to successful relationship isn’t love… its low expectations!

People always ask ‘Why?’ when what they really should be asking is ‘How?!’

After seeing the world from an airplane window life looks kind of dull down here on Earth!

Life’s too short for moderates – embrace your opinions with both hands!

Nobody should ever have kids until they’ve proven they can handle their own lives!

What if nothing matters? That would sure make life simpler!

Want something done right? Do it yourself — even if it takes two months longer than anyone else said it would take you!

Too often people are afraid of failure; but without failure there’s no growth or progress in life!

Religion: the only place where people preach about love and practice hatred at the same time!

It’s not what we know that makes us stupid – it’s what we think we know that’s wrong!!

Staying sober only makes sense when there’re valuable things in your life worth being sober for!!!

There used to be something called ‘sin’; now all that exists are lifestyle choices!!!

Too many people treat their dreams as if they were their distant cousins – rarely visiting them or even thinking about them

People say money doesn’t buy happiness – until they get some money!!!

When parents fight more than lovers do – somebody isn’t being honest!!

Life is too hard for rules – so let go!!

Being honest about who you really are will set you free…

Life isn’t about getting what you want – it’s about making the most out of what you’ve got!!

Some days are diamonds some days are stones…

Don’t let death win – find joy even in tragedy!!!

If evil exists in nature then who created evil???

God gave us all something special – use yours wisely!!

You gotta choose between living and existing…

Life shouldn’t be endured – it should be embraced!!

Learn from your mistakes — but don’t forget them!!

Finding true happiness means learning how not to be dependent on others’ praise….

Just because somebody disagrees with you doesn’t mean they’re wrong….

Never give up — why would anyone ever feel like giving up before success has even begun???

Sometimes what looks like failure can actually turn out to be a success.

Forgiveness is the biggest gift anyone can give – though sometimes giving someone else their due punishment may turn out better.

No regrets’ should always be everyone’s mantra– regretting something means wasting energy on things that cannot/shouldn’t change…