Rodney Oneliners -
Tribute to the Master
wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think
alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I
donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife
come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the
first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on
the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I
drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much.
Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a
When I was born the doctor came out to the
waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very
sorry. We did everything we could...but he
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil
War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and
they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy...
for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they
sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He
said he wanted more proof.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on
his lap. He was in the electric chair.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop
to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could
hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last
night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the
dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was
at the store, and just as she was heading for
our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see
the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got
the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She
was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble
was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over.
There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no
sex life at all.
when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do
you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There are so many places they
I remember I was so depressed I was going to
jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent
a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show
him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell
asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man
was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried
to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a
I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself
in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your
head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons
to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of
the Empire State building and planes started to
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a
mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a
saint--a Saint Bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to
have a few drinks. The bartender asked me,
"What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He
showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife
just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a
guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey
buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said,
"Because you came home early."
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba.
Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like
throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I
don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He
told me to wear a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told
him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second
opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a
When I was born the doctor took one look at my
face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a
boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast
on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever
had.' The waiter joined me.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I
dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the
centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my
first step, my old man tripped me!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep
thinking about suicide." He told me from now on
I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was
rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was
poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I
was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my
parents a note they said, "We want five thousand
dollars or you'll see your kid again."
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first
date, I asked her if I could give her a
goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no
respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of
sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks
and get some rest.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he
leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps
barking at the front door. He don't want to go
out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him,
"Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to
get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking
how big I'd get.